Dustyhawk :: Broken Mirror

History loves men leading in short skirts with horses (Alexander the Great), men leading in armour with horses (The Crusades), men leading in turbans with horses (Saladin), men leading in nifty uniforms with bomber airplanes (Hitler)…

…history loves men, full stop. Whether this means history is homosexual is up for debate, but anyway.

[The Spartans] of Greece were leaders. Born and bred to fight and win or die trying, their culture would be remembered for their track record in winning a lot of battles. You gotta hand it to them - sure they violate human rights, but try finding a modern army who fights like them. Terrorists? [Viet Cong]? Pssht, they have to hide in holes with guns to score a hit, and that’s if the bombs and mines don’t hit the enemy first.

So first up, they fight like real men - they face the enemy, ready their shields, and have actual fighting strategies that involve charging into the enemy and beating the crap out of them. They lead like men. They are the very epitome of manly men. History loves men who lead right? Sure they do, Tolkien likes men who lead! Command & Conquer players dream of being men who lead, how else can we explain the RTS genre explosion!

So we got the history who loves the Spartans, the culture of loving the Spartan way, the badass Spartan fighting, all that’s left was:

[Frank Miller]: Okay I want to make a story about the 300 Spartans at Thermopylae….history’s got men in short skirts, turbans, uniforms…I know, I’ll have the men in blinding red SPEEDOS! Nobody’s thought of that one yet! I r genius! Bwahahaha!

Thanks a lot.

See, we can handle men in short skirts - who liked seeing Brad Pitt’s ass in Troy? How many men got calf envy from seeing those muscular bronzed Greek legs? But in 300, these men bare more.

Let’s reiterate, they’re muscular and barechested. No crime in showing off a toned body, but there’s a reason why people fear speedos - it shows off more than you need to see.

In this case we probably never wanted to guesstimate how well-endowed these men were or how muscularly perky their manboobs are, but THERE THEY ARE and you have no choice but to look because if you turn away, you’re better off not watching the movie at all, really.

Good thing the pectorals don’t ripple during the action scenes! Oh wait.

In case the title doesn’t spoil the plot enough or for some reason you missed out on every single 300 parody the internet has to offer despite never watching the movie, the Persians want Sparta to surrender, and [King Leonidas], king of the Spartans screams the plot every 5 minutes (in case you forget). You can’t miss him, he’s the bearded guy in the trailers who keeps screaming, “THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!”. If you missed that, you were probably staring too long at his speedos, twit.

The rest of the movie is dedicated to the Spartans fighting the [Persians]. It goes like this:

Spartans: THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! *AHWOOGA! AHWOOGA!*
*they run down hundreds of Persians*
Spartans: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!
*they run down hundreds of Persians, then die*

Somewhere in the movie there’s also King Leonidas’ wife who’s a badass in her own way, but nobody cares because they’re all hypnotized by the bouncing pectorals (and speedos) of MANLINESS.

Yes, 300 barechested speedoed men, an effeminate God-King, and a limbless harem girl (don’t ask) can only mean this is a MANLY MOVIE. MANLY MEN charging into battle, MANLY MEN wearing speedoes and baring their MANboobs as the biggest symbol of MANLINESS, MANLY MEN fighting and killing and making MANLY noises, MANLY MEN at war! MANLY camaraderie, slapping each other on the back and looking out for each other! MANLY MEN of MANLINESS fighting a MANLY war with MANLY honour and MANLY CG effects! It’s all about MEN of MAN of MANLY MEN!

And if you think that was purely heterosexual, then by god, you are one HECKUVA man.

I say this because not one guy I know who watched the movie is straight anymore. For hours they gush about Gerard Butler and his bearded charisma shouting SPARTAAAAAAA and how it arouses them. Their hearts pound furiously against their chests as the experience of the thunderous roar of three hundred spartans pushing and heaving and groaning under the pressure and strain of the persian army, never relenting, never resting, seeps into their loins. They gaze at the determined faces, the expression of raw grit in the face of adversity, and say “I want to be like that.”

Most importantly, they come out of the theatre clutching their eyes and scream “OH GOD THE GAYNESS” and proceed to blame all the girls they know for the suggestion that the movie is nothing but blatant gay propaganda. Thank heavens they weren’t naked like in the comics; there may be no such thing as a straight man after that, let alone anyone who can follow the spartan ideal. =__=

So…How is it?

It’s an entertaining movie.

It’s not a bad movie - once you realise that the director’s vision is to turn the movie into a frame-by-frame replica of the comic, the only thing left to do is to sit down and see how well the hojillion special effects translate to real life. Don’t bitch and rant about the inaccuracies of the actual battle, because that’s not it. The director says read the comic book, you do the sane thing and bitch that Frank Miller is inaccurate, not the movie.

This is a case where the actual movie isn’t half as interesting as the [ridiculous] [photoshopped] [pictures] because SPARTAAAAAAAAAAA is the new catch phrase. Need quick money? Yell THIS IS A BANK ROBBERYYYYYYYYYY and kick down the doors! Claiming custody case? Scream I AM THE CHILD’S FATHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and kick down the courtroom, running out with the kid! Telling your date your plans for the night? Just say TONIGHT WE DINE AT [insert restaurant here]; you know everyone will love your Spartan badassery for LIFE.

So….movie good, music good, manly manboobs disturbing, parodies better, but it’s a good way to pass time with a few friends.